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So you just finished loading your REDcard and now you want to bill pay one of your credit cards with it, great! Simply, go online, bill pay your card (like you have multiple times before), and wait three days for the payment to appear on your credit card.
Wait, three days went by and the money hasn’t shown up yet? Why not wait two more days, there’s probably just a glitch in the system. Patience is a virtue.
Two more days pasted by and it still hasn’t shown up? Okay, you should probably open a dispute with REDcard to get the money back into your account. Don’t worry, you can open a dispute in 9 easy steps, err reps.
“Hello Sir, my name is Carrie. Just kidding, that’s my telephone name. My real name is to complicated for you silly Americans to pronounce. Can you please provide me with your full name?”
“Absolutely, it’s Josh Tasman.”
“Thanks. Now can you provide me with everything I need to steal your identity?”
“I’m in a good mood, so why not? Here’s my social security number, my LastPass password, the key to my house, and all my credit card numbers.”
“Thanks for that. I see that there’s a hold on your account and I don’t want to deal with it, so I’ll just transfer you to account protection services without helping you at all.”
“Hi, my name is – actually forget it, you won’t remember it anyway (I didn’t). I see there’s a hold on your account. It looks like we need to verify your card ending in 1234”
“That’s a bank account actually, but I didn’t call to verify that. I just called to find out where my money went.”
“Oh okay. Let me transfer you back to customer service, they can help you.”
“Great, I can’t wait to talk to them again.”
“I just knew it, that’s why I’m transferring you.
“Hi, my name is Carrie. No, I’m not the previous Carrie, I’m a different Carrie. How can I help you?”
“Umm, okay. Well, I bill paid my credit card a few days ago and it was supposed to post yesterday, but it hasn’t yet.”
“I see. Let me put you on hold to look at that quick.”
“I see the transaction, but you said it didn’t post yet?”
“That’s weird, something’s probably wrong. Let me put you on hold again to check it out.”
“I checked it out, but I wasn’t satisfied with my checking, so I’m gonna put you on hold and check it out again.”
“Okay, I see what you’re talking about. I’ll submit a dispute for you, so we can find out where the money is. Oh ya, and while I dispute it, I’m going to put you on hold.”
“Hey, I’m back. I just wanted to check in and see how you’re holding up. lol!!!!!!! That’s a joke my pals and I have been using lately. Anyway, back on hold you go.”
“I just wanted to let you know, I’m going to go to the bathroom quick, so I will need to put you on hold again.”
“Alright, I’m back. The dispute didn’t go through, sorry. It says you need to verify your bank account with account services first. I’ll transfer you. Cya!”
“Hi, this is Carrie. I see we need to verify your bank account. To do that, you need to send us a copy of your bank account statement, a picture of your cat, your left pinky toe, and an unused plastic spoon.”
“I can do that, but why do you need an unused plastic spoon?
“I brought soup for lunch, but I forgot utensils. Anyway, send that to us and you’ll be good to go! BYE!”
“Wait Wait Wait! Can you stay on the phone while I send this to you? I want to make sure I don’t have to sit in the phone tree again.”
“UUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!! I have so many better things to do, but I guess.”
“Okay, it’s sent.”
“Finally! I’m gonna put you on hold, so I can go test out this plastic spoon quick.”
“Whatever you have to do.”
“I’m back. This spoon is really not up to my standards. I cannot lift the hold on your account, without a better spoon.”
“Really? Fine, remove the bank account from my REDcard account. I don’t care to fund my card with it. I just want to open a dispute, so I can find my money.”
“Okay, no worries. Bye!”
“Wait! Is it removed?”
“Can you send me back to customer service?”
“I guess, but honestly, I’d rather be eating my soup.”
5 minutes go by while you sit on hold. 10 minutes. 20 minutes. You might as well hang up and call back at this point. It would be much faster.
“Hi, this is Carrie fr-”
“I’m going to cut you off right there. Are you all named Carrie?”
“Yeah, it’s a requirement to work for American Express. Now, back to what I was saying… Hi, this is Carrie from account protection services. I see that you have a debit card to verify.
“That’s a bank account actually. But regardless, I’m not sure how I got put back through to account protection services. The previous representative said that she took the bank off my account, so customer service could now help me out .”
“No, she didn’t do anything. In fact, I see her over in her cubicle doing nothing but eating soup.”
“Ahh, I see. Well, can you help me remove it or verify it or something to lift the hold it has on my account.”
“Sure thing sugar plum. Let me quick put you on hold, though, so I can grab a bit of that soup. One second”
“At this point, I’m great at holding. So, take your time.”
“Alright, I am back and well nourished. Let’s do this thing. Remind me though, you wanted to verify your debit card correct?”
“No, my bank account”
“Okay, it looks like we need your identity again.”
“Fine, It’s -“
“Oh wait, and I’m going to need an unused plastic spoon.”
“For real? I just sent one to the previous Carrie and she wasn’t satisfied with it.”
“Don’t worry, I’m much easier to work with than her.”
“Okay, I hope so. I just sent everything to you. Did you get it all?”
“Yes sir. Let me put you on a brief hold to examine it.”
“Alright, I’m back. I tested the spoon out and it’s really not going to work for me. Sorry.”
“But, you said…”
“I know. I’ll ask my supervisor to try it out. If he likes it, I’ll lift the hold on your account. Let me put you on hold quick. If you didn’t realize already, I really like to press this button!”
“I know you do…”
“It’s Carrie again. My supervisor said that the spoon will work. We will lift the hold on your account in 3…2…1…WAHOOOO!!!!! Are you good now? I want to go eat some of that soup.”
“Yeah, I’m set – Thanks. Can you please transfer me back to customer service?”
“Sure thing. See ya!”
5 minutes.. 10 minutes..
“Hi, this is Jackie. How can I help you?”
“Hi Jackie, why isn’t your name Carrie like the rest of the people I’ve talked to?”
“Probably, because this is Serve’s customer service and not REDcard’s. Do you have a Serve card?”
“No. I have a REDcard.”
“Well… I can transfer you to the REDcard customer service.”
“Okay… Please do.”
20 minutes later…
“Hi, this is John. How can I assist you today?”
“Uhh, is this customer support for REDcard?”
“Oh good. You had me worried there for a second.”
“Don’t worry about anything. I’ll treat you right. Can I have the full card number please?”
“Hmm, I don’t see that in our system. Can I have your social security number please?”
“Awesome, I’m going to go open up some credit in your name now. lol jk! I still don’t see you in the system though.”
“How did everyone else find my account right away, but you can’t?”
“I dunno, magic? You have a REDcard right?”
“It’s a Visa right?”
“No, it’s a prepaid American Express REDcard.”
“Oh it’s a gift card.”
“No, it’s a prepaid card.”
“This is the REDcard credit card customer service. Let me transfer you.”
“Thank you for calling Target. If you want to look up an order, please press one. If you-”
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”
hang up and call again.
“Hello, this is Carrie. Can I please know your deepest darkest secret?”
“No. Carrie, here’s the situation. My name is Josh Tasman, I’m calling in to open a dispute on a bill payment. The money was supposed to hit my credit card yesterday, but it’s still not in there. I want to find out where that money is and get it back. I’m begging you, please help me.”
“Hey Josh! Long time no talk. I spoke to you earlier, about 8 representatives ago. How have you been?”
“Not so great.”
“Ah that’s too bad. Well, let me just put you on hold for a few minutes…lol!!!!!! Just kidding. Did that joke cheer you up?”
“Anyway, I see the issue, so I’ll open that dispute for you. I could’ve probably done this when we first talked, but it’s easier to hand customers off than it is to help them. I’m sure you understand. See ya!”
After 9 reps and 2.75 hours, your dispute will be open! See how easy it is?
This post was based on a true story.